Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
