K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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