I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
