the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
