I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
