the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
