she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize