I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
