Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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