Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wear drunk well.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
