I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
foreskin is a definite game changer
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
