probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize