The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
