On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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