I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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