I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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