It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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