He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
