Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
