Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize