I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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