they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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