I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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