The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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