I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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