my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
