Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
we're so committed to being not committed
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
