I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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