At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
