I'm really into asian looking animals
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
