True but thats because hes a fetus.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
