the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
