i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
