Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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