Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize