My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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