dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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