I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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