Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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