i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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