Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
