question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
