Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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