I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
