You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
