U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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