she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
