The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
