New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
