Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
