Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
