tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize