I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
