She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
be right there i have to get my cape
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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