Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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