Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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