i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
