this beer tastes like vomit already
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
