k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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